Taking Up Space - Why So Selfie

Taken from a preponderance of pondering upon my Instagram.

I was just pondering why I feel the desire to post so many selfies! And I think it’s ok, I think it’s the result of several factors including having been very ill for a very very long time & now starting to really feel better with the new information (#Audhd) especially normalising so many of my daily difficulties.

Then there is, as per the 2020 selfie post, a huge improvement in my skin & glow & skill with make-up, very much with aesthetic gains coming from #faceyoga like #Beautyshamans & #daniellecollins - so that’s something I’m proud of, that I put effort into that contributes to my feeling good in myself.

Then there is the sense of identity deficit from #BPD which while I feel is in remission still perhaps casts a shadow, understandably. And then finally, that lonesome, defuse, evasive #12housesun amplified by being in #Pisces with #Piscesrising lending even less substance to my sense of self & of being visible, “am I invisible?” Is the vibe. Am I a ghost is the vibe.

I spent a lot of time very mentally unwell on my own in this life, also a lot of time contemplating the spiritual realm of which I feel I have a exceptionally good feel for but I know staying fully embodied is healing & progressive of my nervous system trauma burden & being dissociative is not - both significantly lessening with all the wide range of nervous system tech I’m employing.

I’m so glad that being extra wordy is an Aspie/ASD1 trait 😅😂 makes sense of the urge to reach for a more elaborate descriptor all the time. 🤔😊🥰

Oh I get it - it about being willing to take up space in the world. That’s so lovely! 🥰 

I am robustly not giving a ffff & putting my noggin or whatever I see fit out there anyway, whether you want it or not. 🧑🏻‍🎤🥋 because there is space for me out there, there’s not a limit to the space nor any real valid competition about merit or worthiness.

At my worst with #anorexia I had my bed in the lounge & it was a foot too short, I am 5’5 the bed was about 4’5 & I dropped to under 7 stone several times in that decade - mad people aren’t allowed to take up space are they! I’m feeling that that was the undercurrent of #trauma #cPTSD I was stuck in. 

And then 2010-2020 I was just disappeared, socially, personally not available, bar my long 9 month bipolar high - like a ‘can you see me now’ outburst right in the middle - but mostly suffering much undx psychosis & #anxiety with seemingly no end in sight although it did end.

And so this period over-selfieing on Instagram, without much response bar a couple of friends & family is healing for me, & challenging of course because #ADHD has #RSD as a difficult component & #BPD is as sensitive to being ignored as it’s possible to be…. And I’m fine 👊🤌💜 getting no likes, occasionally it’s a bit meh but it’s definitely within the bandwidth of fine on my emotional landscape - I mean what are likes anyway - how superficial is needing that? Really? Another persons opinion of you is more valid to you than how you feel about yourself - no way, I absolutely think not. The only person I want to impress is me.

I am reproducing this over from my Instagram where it unfolded to my blog - this place where I have links to every useful natural method & tech & substance that has helped me unravel my lifelong nervous system distress. 

#audhd #bipolar1 #bipolarrecovery #bpdrecovery