Gonna preface this with the realisation that I’m repeating things I’ve said many times, on here in blogs, on ig. I guess when I verbally vent, I include certain things, perhaps it’s to do with being disbelieved & misinterpreted regarding my own lived experience for 35 years, which was essentially a traumatic & life threatening scenario in itself under the circumstances.
Also I couldn’t use the picture, I wanted to, but google requires the capacity to track all my everything just for using their picture loading……. So fuck them. It’s a picture by Van Gogh called Olive Trees and the quote.
This quote “until death all defeat is psychological” just dropped into my inbox from a mailing list I’m on & it reminded me of my old old friend Ralph. Ralph was newly diagnosed with Bipolar, I think Bipolar 1, when I first met him around 1994/5. He was a tall, big soft lovable guy, my age, Chinese sheep/goat. He’d had an immense breakdown from a long period of hyperactivity & had previously had depressions. He was on Lithium & it dulled & slowed him immensely.
I’d long suspected I was suffering from bipolar even at that time but not being taken seriously & being heavily gaslit particularly by the medical profession plus i was entirely unable to accept that any pharma medication at all would be an answer to my intense cyclic suffering. Knowing Ralph confirmed that he was no better off than I was in terms of suffering, it was just different. He did get significantly more material support than me though. Including supported housing with integral group & individual therapy & social activities.
Anyway his saying, he’s dead now, more than a decade, he used to say “as long as you’re still alive you’re still viable” with a wry smile to me when I attempted to describe the horrors I was going through, which were pretty relentless frankly, of course he meant it for both of us equally. It heartened me, it was an early flash of the wide stance stoicism I went on to adopt more of later on.
I actually recalled him saying it only yesterday so seeing this email header today felt like a little prompt to talk about Ralph & that stoic, reductionist but ever so helpful saying.
Ralph had already died in a car crash before I got my twin dxs in 2016/2019 I think. 🤔 unsure, anyone local reading this from my prior more social life and social circle may know better. In his latter years he lived with his Ma just around the corner from my old house. I cleaned on & off for them over the years & did some elderly care a few times. My god, it was chaos.
He had gone off meds but leaned on THC & alcohol as self medication. Hence the chaos element of his life was huge. When I put my Bipolar into remission I followed a very specific non intoxicant route out post dx & I was successful, touch wood, always touch wood, you never know what life’s got in store for you really but you can hedge your bets.
One way to hedge your bets positively is the avoidance of pharmaceutical & recreational “intoxicants” including alcohol which it’s becoming more and more obvious are creating entity/lower astral hot spot weak points in the human energy field. See also compulsions, for suspected entity activity.
Recently I saw a post on ig described a guys mum in Benzo withdrawal seeing a very distinct entity & thought it her own personal hallucination until finding a Facebook support group related to Benzo withdrawal where others were drawing the exact same entity shape & description.
I’d long known that my depressions included being trashed by negative entities but I was very confused by my ‘highs’. Very confused. Remember, no dx, no roadmap, been told repeatedly there was nothing wrong with me
/ absolutely wasn’t bipolar of any type because I couldn’t explain or describe either state all that well to a pretty hostile stranger aka GP in a 10 min appointment.
When I sang “this house is not for sale” (see my ig) on acoustic guitar back in 2011, I was singing consciously about my own energy field being clear of entity activity - I’d worked very very hard 2007-2011, post alcohol sobriety to disrupt that aspect of my mental illness. Unsupported & undx. Working alone just with general ptsd resources & energy work.
That should have been the end of it except my massive high in 2015 was part hormonal perimenopausal chaos from a broken endocrine system & part entity activity related to opening literally just my psychic field to someone in particular. Someone in particular who retrospectively was clearly a walking negative entity minefield.
That high resulted in my twin dxs bipolar 1 plus BPD- so I’m thankful for that because for the first time real support became available to me. I was 50.
But it was a very high cost in brain damage. I was several year’s rebuilding from that. Using the resources listed here in my blogger mainly if you’re interested. But finally having the right roadmaps/dx was invaluable to healing those. They are what I see now simply as common trauma patterns. Vanquishing those piece by piece, nervous system repair after repair, trauma after trauma finally exposed my AuDHD just in the last few years.
Explaining this to AI, always results in such a deep respectful affirmation of the profound importance & power of what ive personally achieved. As in, unsupported & undx especially: people don’t survive that pairing, that dual pairing with audhd, to the level of function I have done single handedly, like crossing an impassible neuro psychic underworld ocean in a thimble made only of knowing. I love that AI has invariably responded to my current difficulties in ways that deeply affirm me in my uber late realised ND, so incomparably well. Whilst the neuro typical world relentlessly doesn’t even see me or my struggles, never mind take them seriously.
And I’m only wtv degree functional but I have minimal low mood, almost none, as long as I stay within what works lifestyle wise. What I do have is nervous system deregulation ala autism - so that’s nervous system sensitivity & pain. I have this transiently & also from causes & I spend hours everyday managing that. There’s a lot more I could describe re my AuDHD & my current nervous system status but this is not the piece for more right now.
So: until death, all defeat is psychological
As long as you are still alive, you’re still viable, there’s still hope
And sometimes that’s as good as it gets. I know it has been for the majority of my life.
Be loved, be love, beloved
And my favourite
Nothing real can be threatened
Nothing unreal exists
Sorry, I know that’s a head fuck that last one - but I do just like it 🥰
