Postscript : re: Dr Ettesohn vid

 The blog post to end this blog.

Obv I’ve already ended this blog as I’ve drifted away with no more left to say some time ago. So this is a bittersweet postscript.

Soon after I’d given up on my erstwhile best friend who has undx NPD, Dr E brought out this video. Someone I’ve cared about for 2 decades, albeit on & off. When it was on, i cared immensely & unconditionally at times.

It was less of a romance & more of an exact wound mirror with some erotic attraction/attachment. I often describe him as my best friend or bro because that’s the nearest descriptor for the degree of closeness **i** cultivated in that entirely distant situationship. Having undx NPD, although he’d hint the same, really he was just hoarding me like a dragon hoarding a pile of gold or a toddler with a dripping wobbly ice cream. So as an object, of course yes, unable to project enough sentience on me, unable, unwilling to protect me where I patently deserved protection from him. Rather he was nursing the desire to kill me as he psychologically tortured me slowly is clearly the case post facto. Which is abysmally common in those with unhealed narcissism.

So to cut to the chase, just after the final straw, the real one, the one to end all other previous final straws at the end of May, wonderful, out of the box Narc personality disorder specialist, Dr Ettensohn brought out this YouTube video.

It made me happy, & it made me smile & it made me feel convicted, justified, in all the energy I’d dedicated to this person this last 4 years. Even as I used the friendship to work on my own relational wounds, even as I weathered real deep deep cruelty & still denied any victim mentality in favour of my own self ownership. 

I’ve manifested huge growth because of this time, the fact it’s not directed outwards as any kind of performance or creativity, or deeper self sufficiency is none of anyone’s business but mine.

So this is a post script to this blog account. Which really was generated partly to express my own mental health struggles, growth, exploration & partly to share things I found that might help my personality disordered bro. Those days are well & truly over now.

And this, albeit small, but perfectly formed research with 8 diagnosed NPDs improving their dangerous aspects via correct therapy sufficiently to have, in Dr Es words “the beginnings of a loving relationship” the bete noire of narcissists. Beginning to see partners as a source of strength & nourishment rather than competition & danger as their broken brains & nervous systems do insist. This is core, because damage done early interpersonally must be healed interpersonally, even if it with a therapist.

So that’s the PS & I hope it chokes the narcissists who prefer to torture their loved ones, either to death to rid the world of these shapeshifting liars entirely or more preferably into changing, which is now proven to be wholly possibly with intention, commitment & determination.

Because that’s what I used to get well. I committed, pre dxs, in absolute darkness, to no more relational chaos, no more alcohol since 2007 age 40 because as the internalising type of a personality disorder, my undx BPD would have killed me before 50 had I continued & it would have continued to hurt others as I went down.

And yes, thank you, I also did it through you, as a relational trigger portal, at a distance, essentially energetically field work, & it’s grown me a lot. And I let you go, to be what you chose with this final admonition.

NPD is healable. But you have to want it more…… more than pleasure taken by hurting people, more than the glimmer of satisfaction you feel when you think you’ve got one over on another person, more than how good your tiny mind thinks a thing looks. Because to the rest of us, it looks exactly like it is. Shit. Shit for you & shit for anyone you are interacting with on any real level.

Best of luck honey. I could always see your soul btw, I know that horrifies you. You can’t lose your soul, because it’s not yours to lose, however hard you try, not existing is not an option, but I get that it feels like one. All there is, is consciousness ♥️

Because I could so easily forgo you sexually, you used the thing I wanted more - your healing - as the axe you’d chop me down with.

Well I’m still standing as I watch you crash to the floor in slow motion. 🥰🙌👏👏👏

And I’m not sorry about anything at all. I’m now getting to heal the parts of me that were determined to stay wtv. & let them learn about what is enough in friendships, interpersonal stuff.

I’m left expanded by my interactions with a narcissist whilst you are visibly deteriorating, by choice. As this is inexplicably your preference over healing. 

End transmission. Warmly.

Coda

I saw it too clearly, driving back from Pan’s birthday yesterday. My lone twin granddaughter. Who’s built for connection on a level I can only attempt, like her mum, to fulfil.

The real cost of what he tried to do wasn’t just cruelty toward me. It was equally aimed at robbing Lily and Pan—of the support they 100% need, of the peace & wisdom I’ve finally begun to accumulate, after a lifetime of loss, medical gaslighting, support betrayal. That’s how deep the hatred ran through his illness. That’s how dangerous it became.

Ostensibly,  my friend systematically psychologically tormented his real brother, who later took his own life. He named an album after him. But still, no true change was fought for. Superficial desire to change only. And still, not after witnessing my own med-free slow recovery from an almost ‘impossible’ BPD plus Bipolar 1 - dual diagnosis.

Healing is possible, but only **only**  if it’s wanted, like we want oxygen. We must need it. I lived with needing to heal without movement for 3 decades. Just saying. It was hard won.

This blog is not net metaphoric. This is not energetic chess.

These are simply words saying truths.

And my playful, self expression on Instagram is not for anyone to hijack. She walks freely, she wears freely, she’s more than earned that now.

I’m a Metaphor free field on-line - if you want a conversation use direct messages or leave comments or use physical meeting.

I’m not available for anything else.

Much love 🧡 Sonja Mai Aeris

Self in IFS

 https://www.therapywithalessio.com/articles/self-in-ifs-therapy-what-it-is-what-are-the-8-cs-and-the-5-ps-of-self

I was worried I’d misrepresented Self in IFS in my writing yesterday so checked around & I am right there are some discrepancies between common descriptions of pure consciousness & this broader notion of Self used in IFS.

I thought this article linked above was neat fleshing out the qualities of Self. Here’s a screenshot.

I think this is a great & helpful depiction for identifying when you are more or less in a centered Self state & perhaps there’s more cross over with the wide range of spiritual philosophies that have individuated fractal god consciousness at their core. Perhaps it was my misunderstanding, I was relating to teachings expressing a really pretty neutral, preferenceless awareness that did not govern anything as the Self, just the experiencer, whereas I can see perhaps my model was somewhat miserly & limited in ways for some reason. This version feels far more true on all levels to me so perhaps it was just my mistake. Anyway, I just thought to add this as it’s like a map or a compass for experiencing Self vs our variously burdened parts.

Internal Family Systems - my review

I re-started therapy a while back & noted among my therapist’s credentials was listed IFS. Curious I did a bit of research, was drawn in & bought several books to get to know the modality in more detail. I’ve enjoyed my exploration & almost immediately felt a distinct inner re-shuffle of energies from integrating the model & doing several exercises given in one of the books written by its founder Richard Schwartz called No Bad Parts. A title that, if you let it percolate, carrys quite a revelatory momentum in its own right.

I’m left with a strong feeling that everyone would benefit from simply be aware of the model, after all it’s common parlance to casually speak of our willing versus unwilling parts for example, I have found understanding the full inner family layout to be been powerful.

It is a really great model with the caveat that it might not be helpful, is tangentially possibly harmful for the severely mentally ill particularly those currently suffering from psychosis. I’ve seen this stated clearly in many places when researching although I'm not sure I’d have been informed of that from just reading the books themselves.

It definitely crossed my mind during the exercises that at the heights of Bipolar or BPD psychosis there would not be enough access to what the system calls Self to carry a healing session successfully imho although there are many other bottom up, body first therapies that would help in that instance eg polyvagal, somatic experiencing, herbs & nutraceuticals. Further, both pwBipolar &/or BPD are not permanently in crisis & so value may well be had from IFS at other times.

In fact my first IFS book was Somatic Internal Family Systems by Susan McConnell so there is an active move to merge these top down cognitive practices with well established bottom up body work already underway, which is ideal.

When I did my psychotherapy training pre 2000 we learnt Fritz Perl’s famous Gestalt empty chair technique which I loved both experiencing & guiding. We also learnt guided visualisation techniques which could facilitate therapeutic inner exploration. It feels like IFS is the natural progression of these 2 old school psychotherapeutic practices combined.

A highly worthy tool with which to expand our own or a clients self awareness, inviting progressive re-integration of disparate feelings, energies & trauma back into a more stable, unified field, that which we were before traumas took possession of parts of us, quite literally in this model.

What I like about IFS is simply that it is another tool & method for noticing & working with emotional pain in the body by establishing a firm & growing footing in our calm, reasonable optimistic true core Self. This being not the neutral god/i observer of Buddhism & Non-Dual philosophy but rather Self in IFS is a growing presence, of self possession of the bodymind that is the calm, cheerful, central, loving conductor of the system as a whole.

Meeting the IFS model has given me a better footing in that Self, that I’d always been aware of but busy, noisy, frantic, scared, hostile, paranoid, needy energy embodied parts have had well habituated tendencies to take precedence over it at various times, with invariably less than helpful results.

If you feel drawn to learn about this helpful therapy model & further on to unburden your own self sabotaging & self defeating parts without the expense of a therapist I can recommend No Bad Parts by Richard C Schwartz & Somatic IFS by Susan McConnell.

On the Subject of Karma, Choice & Mental Illness

I don’t often speak on spiritual subjects on here very often although my Instagram stories are full of my kind of spiritual, as well as much psychology & natural health. I don’t so much generate content over there as much as I curate & compile quite well…..but these 2 Instagram reels by Kabbalist David Gyiyam inspired me to want to expand on his excellent points.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C4maolmrhfT/?igsh=aWZ6bmI0OWQzczBu

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C35IX_6rpMR/?igsh=bmhlZW1xenRqb2tj

As someone whose whole adult life has centred around seemingly meaningless suffering I can see a couple of left field spiritual angles to expand on what David is saying here which I think may be helpful to others who are living through similarly apparently pointless suffering.

When someone’s life of deep suffering is seen by others less afflicted the perceiver is being offered the opportunity to experience & develop empathy & compassion for the sufferer & for suffering in general & also they will likely feel appreciation for the comparative absence of such a level of pain in their own lives. Thus our heavy, imo self chosen, karmic loads are of innate service & benefit to others by the provision of such contrast.

Secondly, and this is quite left field; the relational harm commonly done to others by brain/mind/nervous system disordered people often results in, either sooner or later, an accelerated path to self knowledge, self empowerment & therefore ultimately greater self actualisation in the other person. Arguably far more concretely than without that damage rather like a bone break that repairs itself even stronger.

I realise this is an incredibly contentious & controversial stance. Also people with these kinds of conditions can be completely unaware of the trauma they cause to others or if aware are unable to control the impulses involved, & suffer greatly at that lack. This control requires great work & can only happen after enough awareness has arisen…… this is not straightforward when there is brain/nervous system damage.

This makes me conclude that opting to be a ‘baddie” can be a powerful contribution to the drama necessary to spur evolution in others, this fact may considerably offset future karma. Think Soul Contracts. Further, a life spent dealing with a very heavy negative burden, if fought well, ultimately will result in an accelerated burning off of karma.

It’s a huge risk taking on a strenuous karmic burden of this nature, I do not believe all lives are this full on, you are putting yourself in jeopardy of creating more karma if you do not turn inwards & heal yourself. As soon as we are fully conscious that we are causing harm to others & once we isolate the impulses/mechanisms involved & are actually able to chose otherwise, we are absolutely obligated to do so, so as not to generate more karma. 

It is absolutely your duty to grow in insight into the machinations of your illness despite the incontrovertible fact that insight is hard to build because necessary brain structures are lacking & impaired.

Redirecting yourself intentionally towards hope will start to recreate these structures…… yes, belief is absolutely necessary & belief is cultivated one positive thought at a time & by consistently refuting the inner lies that insist everything is broken, as humanly & compassionately as possible. ✊🏻🙌💗

MDMA for ADHD

 https://www.additudemag.com/psychedelic-therapy-mdma-psilocybin/?utm_source=eletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=treatment_march_2024&utm_content=030724&goal=0_d9446392d6-138d3ad97a-300024141

Oh that’s timely, an in depth examination of how the psychedelic revolution in psychiatric medicine might come to benefit those with ADHD. As many as 50% of pwADHD also suffer from a Personality Disorder, 50% have an Anxiety Disorder & between 10-22% have co-morbid Bipolar Disorder, the developmental trauma burden in those with ADHD is likely to be pretty substantial.

A word to the wise though: you literally only get 4 chances per year to use MDMA without badly screwing up your Dopamine system longer term & that’s assuming that your MDMA is pure, when less that half of the street drug contains any actual MDMA at all. MDMA only produces these powerful trauma remissions, 75% in studies experienced full long lasting remission, in conjunction with 8 hour therapy sessions of a particular kind. 

PQQ, NMN & Ubiquinol (new links)

 https://nutrioplongevity.com/blogs/news/the-four-cellular-horsemen-pqq-coq10-nmn-and-nadh

I’ve been meaning to blog about my new Nootropics stack for ages. 

I’ve moved through & out of most of my magic sidebar, all that are still listed served me well at various stages. But I’ve cleared the deck as I wanted to check out these 3 high performers of repute that are especially recommended for older people & those wanting improved cognitive performance whilst protecting themselves from dementia, Alzheimer’s etc, the risk of which is escalated with all forms of long term mental & nervous system illness.

The linked product article calls this stack the 4 horsemen but actually NMN is a precursor to NAD+ in its own right, as is NADH, I think the 2 different versions are popular because they use different pathways in the brain & are synergistic in their own right. I noticed Dr Mercola recommended straight up B3 Niacinamide itself recently to nearly everyone, for a range of metabolic, anti-aging & neurology enhancing purposes so that's a cheaper alternative to both NMN & NADH right there. Check out the difference here.

Anyway, I’ve cheaply sourced my 3 horsemen separately & its a really good combination & I’m really enjoying it, I feel more joined up mentally & I’m having less anxiety so this is a huge win, probably a happy bi-product of it’s neuroprotective aspect. I’m still on a Saffron just one 15mg a day which I definitely feel the benefit of & im on that for the long haul. I briefly used Methylene Blue & had a recovery of some, what I think was retina damage, wtv, it had a really positive effect on my vision which was one of the reasons I was interested in it. I will go back to MB later I feel. (I’ve actually just used it to good affect as an anti microbial on one of my dogs, it has so many uses) 

I would say with PQQ, NMN plus Ubiquinol (easier to assimilate CoQ10) I would not deem it necessary for young, fit people or for older people who feel they have optimised their nutrition really well but I’m personally on a mission to restore as much of my neurology as possible that was damaged by not only rolling Bipolar 1 episodes for several decades but endless retraumatisation with all the comorbidities & missed dxs as well as other actual real world traumas.

Here’s a nice article about PQQ

https://drlewisclarke.com/pqq-the-benefits-and-why-your-brain-cells-need-it/

And one about NAD+

https://draxe.com/nutrition/nad-supplement/

& this rat study on Ubiquinol kind of infers why it stacks with PQQ & NMN for brain health

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1134/S1990519X21030111

Screenshot from that: 

MDMA for PTSD (therefore by extension all of the Trauma based mental health conditions)

 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/balanced/202311/new-study-finds-mdma-effective-in-treatment-of-ptsd

https://www.cnbc.com/2024/02/27/bessel-van-der-kolk-therapy-assisted-mdma-and-treatment-of-ptsd.html

https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/arts-and-health/202401/the-impact-of-mdma-on-ptsd-and-self-experience

https://www.msn.com/en-gb/health/other/new-study-provides-insights-into-mdma-s-potential-for-improving-self-experience-in-ptsd-patients/ar-BB1hCoB5

So exciting. This has been in the pipeline for years. I dont have time to write this 🤷‍♀️ but I wanted to just instagram something about Australia now prescribing MDMA for PTSD - as per various Bessel van der Kolks highly positive research studies on this subject. Crucially, marrying the use of MDMA to extra long therapy sessions appear to be the direct line to unlocking deeply held early trauma. 

Screenshots from first link