The blog post to end this blog.
Obv I’ve already ended this blog as I’ve drifted away with no more left to say some time ago. So this is a bittersweet postscript.
Soon after I’d given up on my erstwhile best friend who has undx NPD, Dr E brought out this video. Someone I’ve cared about for 2 decades, albeit on & off. When it was on, i cared immensely & unconditionally at times.
It was less of a romance & more of an exact wound mirror with some erotic attraction/attachment. I often describe him as my best friend or bro because that’s the nearest descriptor for the degree of closeness **i** cultivated in that entirely distant situationship. Having undx NPD, although he’d hint the same, really he was just hoarding me like a dragon hoarding a pile of gold or a toddler with a dripping wobbly ice cream. So as an object, of course yes, unable to project enough sentience on me, unable, unwilling to protect me where I patently deserved protection from him. Rather he was nursing the desire to kill me as he psychologically tortured me slowly is clearly the case post facto. Which is abysmally common in those with unhealed narcissism.
So to cut to the chase, just after the final straw, the real one, the one to end all other previous final straws at the end of May, wonderful, out of the box Narc personality disorder specialist, Dr Ettensohn brought out this YouTube video.
It made me happy, & it made me smile & it made me feel convicted, justified, in all the energy I’d dedicated to this person this last 4 years. Even as I used the friendship to work on my own relational wounds, even as I weathered real deep deep cruelty & still denied any victim mentality in favour of my own self ownership.
I’ve manifested huge growth because of this time, the fact it’s not directed outwards as any kind of performance or creativity, or deeper self sufficiency is none of anyone’s business but mine.
So this is a post script to this blog account. Which really was generated partly to express my own mental health struggles, growth, exploration & partly to share things I found that might help my personality disordered bro. Those days are well & truly over now.
And this, albeit small, but perfectly formed research with 8 diagnosed NPDs improving their dangerous aspects via correct therapy sufficiently to have, in Dr Es words “the beginnings of a loving relationship” the bete noire of narcissists. Beginning to see partners as a source of strength & nourishment rather than competition & danger as their broken brains & nervous systems do insist. This is core, because damage done early interpersonally must be healed interpersonally, even if it with a therapist.
So that’s the PS & I hope it chokes the narcissists who prefer to torture their loved ones, either to death to rid the world of these shapeshifting liars entirely or more preferably into changing, which is now proven to be wholly possibly with intention, commitment & determination.
Because that’s what I used to get well. I committed, pre dxs, in absolute darkness, to no more relational chaos, no more alcohol since 2007 age 40 because as the internalising type of a personality disorder, my undx BPD would have killed me before 50 had I continued & it would have continued to hurt others as I went down.
And yes, thank you, I also did it through you, as a relational trigger portal, at a distance, essentially energetically field work, & it’s grown me a lot. And I let you go, to be what you chose with this final admonition.
NPD is healable. But you have to want it more…… more than pleasure taken by hurting people, more than the glimmer of satisfaction you feel when you think you’ve got one over on another person, more than how good your tiny mind thinks a thing looks. Because to the rest of us, it looks exactly like it is. Shit. Shit for you & shit for anyone you are interacting with on any real level.
Best of luck honey. I could always see your soul btw, I know that horrifies you. You can’t lose your soul, because it’s not yours to lose, however hard you try, not existing is not an option, but I get that it feels like one. All there is, is consciousness ♥️
Because I could so easily forgo you sexually, you used the thing I wanted more - your healing - as the axe you’d chop me down with.
Well I’m still standing as I watch you crash to the floor in slow motion. 🥰🙌👏👏👏
And I’m not sorry about anything at all. I’m now getting to heal the parts of me that were determined to stay wtv. & let them learn about what is enough in friendships, interpersonal stuff.
I’m left expanded by my interactions with a narcissist whilst you are visibly deteriorating, by choice. As this is inexplicably your preference over healing.
End transmission. Warmly.
Coda
I saw it too clearly, driving back from Pan’s birthday yesterday. My lone twin granddaughter. Who’s built for connection on a level I can only attempt, like her mum, to fulfil.
The real cost of what he tried to do wasn’t just cruelty toward me. It was equally aimed at robbing Lily and Pan—of the support they 100% need, of the peace & wisdom I’ve finally begun to accumulate, after a lifetime of loss, medical gaslighting, support betrayal. That’s how deep the hatred ran through his illness. That’s how dangerous it became.
Ostensibly, my friend systematically psychologically tormented his real brother, who later took his own life. He named an album after him. But still, no true change was fought for. Superficial desire to change only. And still, not after witnessing my own med-free slow recovery from an almost ‘impossible’ BPD plus Bipolar 1 - dual diagnosis.
Healing is possible, but only **only** if it’s wanted, like we want oxygen. We must need it. I lived with needing to heal without movement for 3 decades. Just saying. It was hard won.
This blog is not net metaphoric. This is not energetic chess.
These are simply words saying truths.
And my playful, self expression on Instagram is not for anyone to hijack. She walks freely, she wears freely, she’s more than earned that now.
I’m a Metaphor free field on-line - if you want a conversation use direct messages or leave comments or use physical meeting.
I’m not available for anything else.
Much love 🧡 Sonja Mai Aeris
